So let us gab about this a bit, shall we gals? I am trying to be more glamorous (is that the proper word for men?) and I truly do want to feel pretty and ever so fabulous, but so far, all I can manage is Levis, sweats, perhaps my favorite purple shirt or the parrot and flower shirt that no proud hetero would dare wear in the public square: orange, magenta, purple, yellow, candy blue, red, and white flowers against a black background, with tiny parrots scattered about.
I also have a flannel shirt with Disney characters, and a screaming yellow pair of pants. I no longer feel ashamed to wear my ensemble in public because I fear that I have given up; when you do that, life is much easier.
Occasionally, I do wear a sport jacket, but still, I really do need help.
I am a slob. I have always been a slob. I was a slob as a child, I was a sloppy young adult, and now that I am old, I am sloppy on purpose. I need a de-slobbing. Fortunately, there is an abundance of ignored women that have also given up and fortunately for me, many of them have decided to settle.
I do not iron my sheets, my pillowcases do not match, and you will find mismatched sheets on my bed. I often grab a pair of socks and matching be dammed because socks are socks, who cares. I wear a ten dollar watch and I sometimes carry a loud pocket watch that wakes the dead. I have a few nice pairs of socks and truthfully, I do try my best to match them. I figure it this way: how can my socks be mismatched when I have a second par just like them in the top drawer?
But I now find that I need some help. I can't advertise here, but soon I will be a tad more infamous and the paparazzi might catch me in a slob moment. Paris would never call, and TMZ might write something nasty.
So here is my plan: I want to purchase a truly fine suit. Not something off the rack or made to measure, but truly fine quality bespoke tailoring. I want to cut my hair short. I need an overhaul. Have any of you bought a truly fine quality suit? I would love to own an Astor and Black suit.
I also want my first pair of hand made shoes. I would love a pair of Bontoni bespoke shoes, but nearly five grand is out of the question. Perhaps a pair of their ready to wears from Goodmans. Still a grand for shoes is scary. What scares me is the possible loss of my man card when someone finds out I actually know what Bontoni Shoes are. Or Astor and Black for that matter
That is why I love Payless. Fifty dollars and I have several pairs of shoes, a dress pair, two sets of Odor Eaters, and plenty of those five dollar per three pack of socks. True value is true value.
So please give some advice and guidance. I am almost ready to subscribe to GQ, for God's sake.